Family Communication Patterns
Merriam-Webster's online dictionary has several definitions for the word "communication." SeekingNorth prefers the third, "a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior." There are several important concepts here. First is "information" or intelligence. Communication is not idle chatter. Idle chatter may be appropriate at a cocktail party, but is inappropriate when two or more individuals are attempting to engage in a meaningful exchange of knowledge. Too often, family members attempt important communication while across the room from one another, with one or both of the parties staring at the ceiling, watching television, or engrossed in surfing the web or playing a computer game. These patterns simply won't work.
In order for there to be an exchange, all parties to the discussion must be both transmitters and receivers of information. Each transmitter must code the transmitted message in a manner that accurately conveys his or her specific thoughts. This may require choosing words carefully to ensure the correct message is transmitted. In a like manner, the receiver must listen carefully, receive the message accurately, decode it through the receiver's own frame of reference, and ask clarifying questions to ensure that he or she receives the same message that is transmitted. All too often, we think we know what message the sender is transmitting, but when the parties are operating from different frames of reference it is dangerous to automatically assume we know what the sender is attempting to convey. The sender and receiver need to agree on the meaning of any message in order for there to be a meaningful exchange. Once the sender and receiver agree on the meaning of the transmitted message, the receiver is in a position to respond and the encoding, decoding, and clarification process begins anew.
Regrettably, Merriam-Webster's first definition of the word "communication" is "an act or instance of transmitting." Transmitting is a one dimensional word; that is, the message is flowing in one direction only. Simply talking is akin to a downed pilot or a ship captain in distress blindly sending an SOS in the hope that someone will hear it and respond. Once a sender receives a response to a transmitted message, the opportunity for communication emerges, but is by no means guaranteed. Communication is an interaction between or among individuals as opposed to an action by one.
Hearing is an auditory function that does not necessarily imply receipt of a message. It is a passive activity. Listening is an act of hearing attentively; that is, making a conscious effort to receive and properly decode a transmitted message. Hearing is a natural function; one of the five human senses. Listening, on the other hand requires effort; a genuine attempt to understand the message the transmitter is sending. Listening requires practice. Learning to listen can be an enjoyable family exercise that produces lasting results.
Communication occurs in many forms. An important element of Merriam-Webster's third definition of "communication" is the phrase "through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior." It has been estimated that up to 99 percent of all interpersonal communication is nonverbal. The focus of nonverbal communication is not on "what" is said, but rather "how" it is said.
Nonverbal expressions may be learned, but also occur naturally and unconsciously. These expressions are commonly referred to as "body language." Eye contact, facial expressions, gestures, body posture and orientation, proximity of the parties, and voice characteristics such a volume, pitch, or inflection are examples of nonverbal communication. For a listener to hear the words, "You are the most important thing in my life" from a speaker who is on the way out the door looking at his cell phone while text messaging a golfing partner or business colleague, the spoken message is lost in the nonverbal transmission of something less that "most important." Speakers and listeners alike must be ever aware of the nonverbal messages they are sending to the party with who they are attempting to communicate. Any hint that the intended verbal message is being contradicted by the nonverbal should be clarified immediately.
Men are generally raised to be markedly masculine in manner or demeanor. They expect themselves to be right, to exercise authority over the family, to hide their emotions and fears (especially from their wives and children), and to have their verbal transmissions fully understood and carried out without question. Women, on the other hand, tend to be more emotive, willing to express their feelings, and accept responsibility for miscommunications. Without regards to role expectations, men and women both must be willing to apologize for sending verbal and nonverbal expressions that do not adequately convey their intent. A sincere apology for an unintended message can greatly facilitate further communication among any number of parties.
Dialogue is an extension of basic functional communication patterns discussed above. A dialogue is an exchange of ideas and opinions intended to produce agreement. Dialogue is essential within a family where the parties will have an ongoing relationship. Indeed, dialogue can transform a family's communication patterns, setting the stage for ongoing cooperative discussions as new issues arise. Key to successful dialogue is developing discussion questions that encourage dialogue rather than those that produce only the parties' positions leading to a solution in their favor rather than achieving an optimal solution for the family. There is more discussion in the section entitled Family Conflict Transformation.
Whether to discuss personal issues (marriage, divorce, lifestyle choices), financial issues (investments, family businesses, wealth transfers, something as mundane as the purchase of an automobile), family meetings can be ideal to provide a forum for family communication. In smaller families and those with less wealth the meetings can be less formal and may occur more often. In larger families, or those with greater wealth, family meetings are generally more formal, may occur less frequently, may be attended by family financial and legal counsel, and rise to the level of a family council. In many cases, the family council becomes much like board of directors with elected or appointed members serving in an ongoing decision-making capacity with all members participating much like shareholders. Indeed, all family members should be involved.
In order to be effective, family meetings must be structured to provide a safe, comfortable environment in which each member is welcome to participate and share his or her views. All participants must agree to be respectful of others' views which may conflict with the views of other family members. The goal of these meetings is to address issues impacting the family as a whole and, if possible, reach consensus on actions to be taken on the issues discussed. In order to provide a safe environment, family meetings or councils are frequently facilitated by independent third-party advisors to encourage open participation by all stakeholders.
SeekingNorth believes that true communication cannot occur unless the transmitted message is received and decoded to produce the same message that the sender intended. This may require effort on the part of the family members; effort that SeekingNorth may facilitate by first determining existing communication patters that are less than optimal. Dialogue is an important aspect in transforming family communication patters; an aspect with which we can assist by developing dialogue-producing questions and guiding the progress of the discussions.
©2008 Ronnie C. McClure, PhD, CPA